YSaC, Vol. 729: Ruth Snyder would be proud.
great working electric chair – $3000
great working electric chair. need to sell to pay funeral bills. Please no pal-pal accounts !!!!!
Boy, times must be tough at Sing Sing if they’re auctioning off Old Sparky.
And just in case that wasn’t morbid enough for you:
hospital bed, powerwheelchair, tombstone
Up for grabs:
1. Flexicare Eclipse Air Bed: Electric Hospital Bed, mattress to help keep people from getting bed sores.
2. Quantum Rehab Power Chair: 2 years old, like new, hardly used.
3. 3 x 3 marble headstone, never used, ready for engraving. Is a brown (beige) color marbling.If you are interested please call xxx-xxx-xxxx
There’s definitely a story here, but I’m not sure I want to know what it is. I hope it involves a zombie Grandma, though. Those are my favorite types of stories. (I may need a zombie Grandma tag after all!)
Thanks, skigrlpdx and Rita!
Edited by drmk to add: I’ve set up a poll on the “Vote!” page (see title bar above) where you can vote for your favorite YSaC posts of all time. If I’ve forgotten a favorite, let me know in the comments and I can add it in (within reason!). You can vote for up to 10 posts at a time, and you can vote roughly every 24 hours. Or you can vote nicely every 24 hours. How you vote is really up to you. That’s the wonderful thing about democracy. But like a democracy, it only works if you vote, so go vote!
I prefer my tombstone’s to be made with Corian®.
Or mushroom and onions.
Mudsy has beaten me to the pizza joke. Ah, well.
Apparently you weren’t lurking close enough….hehe…
Can I get banana peppers on mine (pizza, what were you thinking?)?
If they offered banana peppers (or pepperocinni), I’d buy more Tombstone products {G}
Peppero… um, never mind.
Why do I think the tombstone is being sold because “We didn’t think the wood-chipper would do so much damage.”
“We were going to use the tombstone on Grandma’s grave, but after that bear was done with her… Well, we just thought it would be better just to compost what was left. Easier just to leave it out in the woods, you know?”
Ah, so you’ve been to Wisconsin, have you?
Sadly I have yet to visit The Land of Serial Killers and Strange Dairy Obsessions.
Not to mention the “Fordy poin’ buck!”
I die a little every fall when it hits the radio.
Who has a tombstone that they’ve never used? WTF?
Oh, maybe they mean a Tombstone pizza. Although, if it’s beige, I’m not sure it’s still fresh.
Wasn’t tombstone a movie? I don’t think there were any zomb….
Val Kilmer did look pretty rough by the end.
OMG! I just watched it last night & was thinking that he kinda looked like a zomb…
I would love to know the back story on that.
Did grandma decide to be cremated and have her ashes spread out on a Kansas prairie?
Was there a 2-for-1 sale at the quarry?
Was a family feud involved at the last minute and someone happened to utter the words, “You’re dead to me!”….?
In the will, did grandpa finally come out of the closet and insist on being buried above Liberace’s crypt in the mausoleum?
I wanna know these things!
I’m picturing a “Dammit, s/he got better! Now what am I going to do with all this sick people stuff?” sort of moment.
Personally I would keep the tombstone and turn it into a coffee table. It would go well with the lamp I made out of cremain urns.
Reminds me of a story my uncle told me when I was little.
Uncle Frank was the fun uncle and the daredevil jokester who was always coming up with stories that would fascinate and entertain the mind of any 7 year old. One day he was out fishing and came upon an old cemetery. He decided that one of the tombstones would look swell as a coffee table. So with much sweating and elbow grease he finally got “Charlie Russell” loaded up and into his car.
Apparently after the Schlitz and/or brandy he was drinking wore off, he spent a sleepless night dreaming of Charlie Russell chasing him down with revenge on his mind.
Needless to say, my unks loaded Charlie back the next day and put him back where he belonged. Not exactly Penthouse Forum material, but I will never forget that story. As will I ever forget the name Charlie Russell.
I sometimes wonder if he and Charlie are “somewhere” sharing a drink and swapping stories.
Carry on…I’m done.
That’s my vote…somebody didn’t stay quite as sick as others in the family might have liked.
Oooh, it that the Fiji Mermaid?
That it definately Fiji Mermaid.
In the immortal words of the great philosopher LimeLolly, “Ppbbbtt!”
Well then, I counter with:
*Nya!*
Why, yes, that is the Fiji Mermaid. I picked it up for a steal at PT’s House of Slightly-Used Monkfish.
Thinking that somebody’s young female relative married a sickly old person, whose family had better lawyers . . .
Or, discovered that pre-nup is not something debs do in groups in front of bathroom mirrors.
Do you think Sparky would demo the electric chair so that I could make sure it was working as advertised?
And more importantly, would s/he mind holding this bag of popcorn while s/he demonstrates it? I’m a little hungry.
From what I hear, Sparky would smell pretty bad after demo-ing the chair. I’m not so sure I’d want to eat after that.
Great diet plan!
I hear it
tastessmells like chicken.Knock Knock Knock…
Electro, “Can I help you?”
Me, “Yes I am here to purchase the electric chair”
Electro, “Errrr, just a sec…”
*Sound of flesh frying and smell of burning chicken*
Electro, “You are the 8th person to stop by today, I suppose you want to test it too?”
Me, “Errrr, no…”
Electro, “Oh good, if you help me carry out these 7 body ba…err I mean sacks of potatoes it’s yours!”
Me, “SAWEEET! Hey, these taters smell funny and have odd looking eyes…”
Selling an electric chair to pay for a funeral bill… talk about a shocking proposal…
Wait that’s not right, let me try again with less insensitivity. It’s a sizzling offer…
Nope, uh, hmmm. It’s a hair-raising deal.
Damn. It’s a hot commodity.
You know what, I need more coffee.
I’m just gonna leave sparky…
Crap.
Taco — I don’t think you need coffee today. You are already wired. Just have a seat over here.
By the way – wanted to compliment you, Taco, on the little black dress you wore at the award ceremony last night – very fetching. One suggestion though – make sure you wear a thong with it. The micro-mini destroys the mystique of the “massive link”.
Just sayin’
Line…crossed…
Timed at 22 minutes 47 seconds, a new YSaC record.
Not only crossed but double-crossed, driven out into the desert, shot in the head, and buried in a shallow grave.
It’ll just be back tomorrow.
Bury it a bit deeper, then … don’t want a zombie line wandering about the place over the weekend.
It’ll just be back tomorrow.
This make anyone else start humming?
“The cat came back, the very next day…”
Yes! I even went on YouTube to see if I could find the cartoon.
Yay! I’m
not weirdthe same kind of weird as all the funny people!In case you would like to spread the
madnessjoy;http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eu85zTAoRJ0
Oh goody, the brain bleach arrived in the night!
**passes out oil drums of Brain Bleach to everybody**
This should last us all at least until tomorrow.
FCC Rating Tag: BB
I’m surprised they aren’t selling the electric chair to pay the power bill. That would make
lessmore sense.Up for grabs: — It’s raining hospital beds, wheelchairs and headstones… Oh my! I don’t think the unbubler is gonna be any help.
Up for Grabs is probably a poor choice of words given yesterday’s antics.
Mercifully, I have short term memory.
*reviews yesterday’s post*
So, I can’t say it’s used?
genitally used
Well of course, Mudsy. If it was up for grabs, it would be.
A genitally used electric chair.
I do NOT want to see the Rule 34 that
comesrisesis created from that.Ewww.
And Ouch.
Haiku time!
Looking for a seat
Try a great electric chair
Genitally used
Isn’t “Genitally used” 6 syllables?
‘Used’ is one of those words that seems like it has 1.5 syllables in it, so it throws off my game.
Gen-i-tal-ly used
By my count that’s 5, but maybe you’re being all Taco fancy and saying u-sed.
*suddenly realizes we are debating the # of syllables in the phrase “genitally used”*
Yeah – definitely time for Lola’s flask.
Only if you’re an 18th century romantic poet and you need something that rhymes with “fuse head”
Personally, I like genitally fused myself…kinda goes with the whole ‘electric’ theme…
*apologies to Chang and Eng Bunker
It might be a Wisconsin thing. We hit the “d” pretty hard at the end of used, kinda giving it a “use-da” pronunciation.
But many ed words throw me off like that.
I’m after you with the flask Manda.
I think I have a
chair that works great but need to
sell no pal-pal please
grab hospital bed
powerwheelchair and tombstone
no zombie Grandmas
This is really fun. I think Craigslist should require everyone to post their ad in Haiku.
Instead of working today, I think I’ll go back and translate past YSaC posts into Haiku.
A friend from law school says that if she ever becomes a judge, she’s going to write her opinions in Haiku. I’m going to write mine in song.
What does underwe–Ooooooh, you meant via the Terpsichorean Muse; that’s very different, never mind.
A BridgeThong has got to be better than a TacoThong.
I’d watch it.
Hey Capn!
What the….?
Whadya’ call my Muse?
Don’t make me come over there and swab your deck! *aargh*
Uhh…thanks?*
*Thanks, at least, for making me laugh when I’m in the moodiest of moods. See below.
Well, you started this, what with suggesting bench opinion deserved to be thung ath thonge; except you did not, the problem being some of mraz interruptus.
So, so waxing Terpsichorean (perhaps better sans bazouki and not in cheeseshops) now seems eminently logical.
As to decks and swabbing, there’s plenty of dustwildebeastes lurking about the wooden floor here, any wanting to “lay on sweepers fore and aft” will be welcomed (singing requiring separate negotiations).
I have no idea what any of that means, but I suddenly want to sing sea shanties for some reason.
I’ll be over to do the decks toot sweet.
Just be sure and have some cheese and crackers waiting for me (that’s the only thing I understood in that whole post of yours).
Oh..and while you’re at it, be sure and have some port wine waiting on the port side and some starbursts on the starboard side.
Don’t give me any stern looks or I’ll have to kick your aft matey….
*mudsy takes a bow*
To steal some lyrics, I’ll take that dare and make a bet with you {G}
I’ve port (good stuff) and cheese (ordinary) but, it’s likely to be nachos bifstek tonight. Debating beer or ‘rita mixings . . .
Hey, Capn, did you know there’s an actual cheese shop that claims to have Venezuelan Beaver Cheese, it’s just not in stock?
http://www.venissimo.com/store/product/769/venezuelan-beaver-cheese/
Scary as frommage-less bazouki players
The chair would be perfect for disciplining small children – no more spanking! “You shouldn’t have bitten your little brother – you’ll have to go to time-out. Go sit in the chair in the corner.”
Gives a whole new meaning to being grounded…
And now where know where Sparky came from.
Now where know where. Say it aloud and it sounds almost philosophic.
Ppbbbtt… that’s my philosophy.
Ppbbbtt is a hard philosophy to adhere to, let alone pronounce.
Not to mention all the towels you have to use.. I mean others will need.
“Ppbbbtt” ’em all, I say.
TM, I was going to show you how to pronounce it… but the ink started running down the screen.
I’m sure there are positive and negative aspects to that type of Nanny 911 discipline.
Can we try it on the cat?
Well at least the kids would conduct themselves differently afterward.
It only hertz for a second.
Child: Hey *twitch* Dad, can *twitch* I *twitch* go to *twitch* Chuck *twitch* E. Cheese’s? *twitchtwitchtwitchseizure*
Father: Sure son!
Grampdaddy — I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. I could finally get the answers to those questions I keep asking the kids, over and over and over …..
“Where are the keys to my car?”
“Who left the empty milk jug in the fridge?”
“Who made the mess in the kitchen?”
“Why are you trying to drive me crazy?’
these questions go on and on.
Why ask those questions when you know the answer is:
:shrug: I dunno.
You need to be looking for that guy.
LL — I know and I already know where that guy is … standing in my kitchen, making a mess and eating all of my food with all of his friends.
oh, sorry…that’s just my son ……
And my favorite, “Why did you paint the cat purple?”
to match my hair …….. oh wrong answer
In my house it’s “Dad, why are you putting mashed potatoes on the cat again?”
To daughter M and her sibling: “Why is there blue/green frosting on the white dog’s back?”
So WHY was there frosting on the dog? Or is that one of those family secret deals?
I’m guessing someone was trying to make a pupcake.
LL – So WHY was there frosting on the dog? Or is that one of those family secret deals?
You will need to coerce that answer from Manda. The only answer I ever got was “It was really runny and dripped” – which is total bull-hooie since the dog had a stripe from head to tail.
Oh, and she was old enough that it wasn’t an “accident”.
In my house the answer to those questions is always my sister. That’s in all seriousness.
I hear that story too …..
That’s the best part of having siblings. (Or kids. Dad has said once or twice that the reason he had kids was so he would have someone to blame stuff on. I’m pretty sure he was joking.)
It didn’t matter in my house. If one of us did something bad, we both got punished. It was a shrewd system designed to encourage self governance of the child community.
I used to have to sit on my sister to prevent her from doing something stupid. I still tell her, “Do that and I’m gonna sit on you,” whenever I see her contemplating things that won’t end well. Her husband gives me weird looks when I say it.
Astro: We know, we know, we know…. hope you don’t need an organ donor in the future.
🙂
I don’t know. I think my daughter would gladly donate her brothers’ organs. How about your sister Astro?
My sister wouldn’t donate my organs, she’d sell them in the dead of night.
See! That’s love right there!
At least she realizes that you’re worth something.
Don’t ya just luv siblin’ luv!!!!
Ask Manda – she’ll tell you how well it worked. Manda, quit playing in the electrical outlet and answer Artsy.
Manda – now!
Don’t make put a bigger fuse in!
I won’t make put a bigger fuse in it. 🙂 Oh wait, pointing out your typos gets me in trouble, doesn’t it? Yeah, electrical shock was a highly effective technique for discipline. I respect my elders and all that nonsense. BWAHAHAHAHA!
For the record, the dog getting frosted was an accident. The frosting was extremely runny, my younger sister and I had no clue what we were doing, and the fact that the dog planted herself alongside the counter to lick up the spills lead to the unfortunate placement of spilled frosting. We sure as heck did not intentionally frost the dog.
Now, youngest brother putting barbecue sauce on the dog – that was entirely intentional and he admitted it!
Barbecue sauce on the dog?! That’s awful!
Everyone knows dogs go better with mustard.
And never ketchup, if near Mr Eastwood.
In the future if there are any questions as to why I am the way I am, refer back to this post. Thanks!
That’s just shocking, Manda.
I was going to say that Grampdaddy was becoming my hero, then I saw the “little black dress” comment, uck!!
And my reaction was: Pics or it didn’t happen!
*scratches head, wanders in search of coffee*
I tried getting pictures but my camera melted. I need some of those protective covers you were talking about.
Boots?
It wasn’t me! Taco started it when he talked about the sheer black strapless dress yesterday! Honest! I was in my room reading, umm, doing my homework, writing an essay on what great parents you guys are.
REEAAALLLLLY!
*Stomps upstairs, slamming doors on the way*
Look out folks, Gramps is off his meds again.
Now where did I put that horse tranquilizer…
(How the hell do I misspell words like “suckiest” and still manage to spell tranquilizer correctly)
The thing that bothers me the most about the first ad (besides selling an electric chair, obviously) is “pal-pal accounts”.
Is a “pal-pal account” like, you’re pals with the seller, so you don’t have to pay, but instead, like, owe them a big-time favor?
D’oh! Julia beat me to it!
I want a pen-pals account. That way we can write fun messages in bubble gum smelling ink and dot our “i”s with hearts [ <3 ] and SWAK the envelope.
And glitter, lots of glitter. And stickers. Scented glittery stickers with big-eyed puppies and kitties.
I think I just gave myself hyperglycemia.
Not glitter! NO!
Glitter is the herpes of craft products.
Getting a glittered envelope or letter is like receiving the craft equivalent of anthrax in the mail.
I have a co-worker who loves both glitter and those novelty shaped plastic confetti bits. Getting a birthday or holiday card from her is like recieving a letter bomb – unpleasant if opened improperly.
I think they’re for people with no friends/pals. You give them one of yours in exchange for whatever-it-is.
I’d rather give one of my enemies.
Good pals are hard to
dig upmakecome by.Good pals are easy to make…. and good to come by.
What?!
I like pals/pals-with-benefits accounts better.
That costs extra.
Extra is gladly negotiable just as long as it still puts me in the running for that nifty chair.
I wonder if there’s an electric ottom/automin/otterman/automon/abdomen that goes with it. People do need to be able to put their feet up.
This is truly French preventional furniture.
“That costs extra”
I don’t charge extra…*Blushes and rubs toe in dirt*
Well, it is as disturbing that Sparky has had enough trouble with PayPal to not want to use that service and say so, but is unable to speel[sic] said service–this along with [corey] the fact that they are to lazy to insert the five letters of “wheel” between electric and chair[/corey]
Clearly need more coffee *goes to kitchen*
There’s something sketch about the first ad. I bet they hook some soft-hearted, liberal type who doesn’t really need an electric chair, but just wants to help with the funeral bills. Actually, they had Grandma dry-roasted to a crackly crunch, and tossed the remains in the Gulf. What a racket. Wish I’d thought of it.
“Soft hearted liberal” does not compute. My mom is capital “L” Liberal and I’m thinking that had this chair been for sale when my siblings and I were young, she would have purchased it for the same reasons that Grampdaddy mentions. Though in mom’s defense, she did have four children who acted like too-much-coffee-Taco in the era before ADD meds and managed to stay sane-ish.
I hate sane ish. It’s like normal p00p.
Throwing anything still smoldering into the Gulf of Mexico these days might be a bit dangerous. Probably better to do it w/ a trebuchet, so you can stand well back from the resulting explosion.
Please no pal-pal accounts !!!!!
That’s right folks. Sparky already told you he didn’t want to be friends on Facebook, but some of you didn’t seem to get it. Let’s be clear about this. You can use your “strangers who will exchange funds” account or your “I don’t know you and I don’t care to” account. Possibly even your “I like you but I don’t ‘like you’ like you” account. But for the love of clothespin jeebus, no pal-pal accounts!!
Cutbacks in funding to our prison systems has led us to this…sigh…this is precisely why we need to go back to old-school methods of justice – you know, making people watch tapes of old Richard Nixon speeches. Bet it’s quicker than the chair, too.
Sorry, can’t do it – Supreme Court says so – something about “cruel and unusual punishment”.
(Bridgete, you may correct me if this is incorrect but it really isn’t necessary. I was trying to be humorous without involving Taco’s thong. Yeah, I know, futile….)
Meh. I know a joke when I see one. I don’t corey all over people pleading the 5th when it doesn’t really apply, now, do I?
I plead the 5th.
If you have any bourbon, I’ll take a fifth too.
Wait, what?
I’ve been wondering what a lawyer is supposed to do if they aren’t coreying all over someone, whether it applies or not?
Well, that’s just what I’m supposed to do at work. I want to keep what I do separate from my social interactions. It’ll be a tough task, most lawyers are lawyers all the time, but I’m taking on the challenge.
Edit: I realize I’ve coreyed legal stuff on here before…that just proves how hard it’s going to be for me NOT to do that all the time.
Are you done taking the exams? Isn’t there like a finger nail biting 3 month wait for the results?
The exam is July 28th and 29th. And yes, my results will be in around the end of October/beginning of November.
Well, knock ’em dead kiddo!
I’d like to add that I’ve appreciated your lawyer-ly Coreying. It has been helpful and led to more funny, therefore, worth it.
(Do they still teach to put commas before and after the word “therefore”? I felt very old-school doing it and that made me wonder.)
Bridgete – I would like to sincerely apologize if I gave the impression that I was “put-off” by any of the legal comments (Corey or otherwise) that you have made. That was not my intention and, if I caused you any discomfort I am very sorry. I love your comments, your wit, and I learn from what you have to say.
*Hangs head in shame and posts [Corey] Grampdaddy is a mean poopie-head. [End Corey]:(
I like legal coreys. They teach me interesting things and, as I will continue to say, when I stop learning shit, it’s time to take me out back and shoot me.
And K, commas are one of those wonderful, flexible bits of punctuation. I usually like to stick one after my “therefores” but not before. I think the comma before your “therefore” probably qualifies for a semi-colon upgrade, though. There is an understood “it is” in front of “worth it” making that a suitably complete thought for a sentence.
Oh, Gramps (can I call you Gramps?), you didn’t give me that impression at all. I was crabby today, that may have wormed its way into my tone of voice (?) in my comments, but, like Moira below suggested I say…it’s not you, it’s me. Honestly.
[me corey] I really do want a work/life balance. Not that I’m going to stop legal coreying for you all if it’s relevant, I just mean I don’t want to be one of those lawyers who has to go on about the law every chance I get. [/corey]
Oh, and I’m glad you all have enjoyed my legal coreying so far. And have understood it. I really want to be a trial lawyer, and as such I need to be able to explain things without confusing a jury. So, I guess I’m on my way with that. =)
As for “therefore”, I generally put it at the beginning of a sentence, with a comma after. If it’s not the first word, it’s one of the first few words, and then it is enclosed by commas. However, I agree with Moira that a semi-colon would have been perfect in Kae’s sentence.
Edit: After I clicked the button and saw how long this is, it made me wonder, is there a limit to how long a comment can be?
It may not be the best idea to drop a challenge like that where Taco can see it.
Wait a minute, that’s me!
What was I talking about again?
We love you Bridgete! Hope you are feeling tons better.
Keep up the awesome.
(Now, I’m gonna go get me a bit out of that flask that’s been making the rounds. And tomorrow, I plan to start brewing my first batch of mead. Seems appropriate somehow.)
Aww, thanks, I love you guys too!
I had some wine…I suppose that could be in a flask.
I should totally bring wine in a flask to the next party I attend. Now that’s calassay…
Sh1t! That’s what I’ve been doing wrong! Ow.
*dials 1-800-MATTRESS*
Mattresses are overrated Lola—especially when they come with peas.
This one comes with pee, if that helps.
OOoooooh… pardon my homonym!
I can’t believe I just gave you that one on a St. John the Baptist platter!
@ Taco: Been there, done that, threw the ruined mattress *&* the drunkard now-ex-boyfriend out.*
*Excuse me for a moment while I again am grateful for surviving my 20s …
Mudsy:
Yeah, I was surprised that you set that one up and left it hanging for me to cash in on.
It must be the Muse in me….
Have you tried taking Tums for that?
It’s a
TumsTrap!Hey, give peas a chance!
and whirled peas…
*this place is turning into one big bumper sticker*
I’d put it on a car. Not mine, but definitely a car.
Or a door.
+1 a door for you sj.
I’m mezmerized by the ‘sentence’ great working electric chair.
Does this imply that they’ve tested it… in the way that it’s supposed to work.
This wouldn’t be so weird to me if I didn’t know what kind of power service is needed to make one of these things work. You don’t typically find that kind of setup in a residential home. So either they had a lot of electrical work done to their home on the sly, or this is actually still installed at a prison.
I’m just… I…
*Tacosplode*
Oh dear…it can’t be a good sign for me that we were scrutinizing the same sentence simultaneously.
Yu may wish to prepare yourself for emminent ‘splodsion by finding the nearest room with a tiled floor. ‘Splody-bits are hard to get out of carpet.
I’ve been debating all day whether you intended to misspell ‘you’ in that comment.
C’mon SJ, I gotta know.
:sigh:
Not intentionally, I just typed too fast and the edit bar never popped up.
I’ll get the mop.
I’ll get the chips and guacamole 🙂
I’ll get the tacos…. 🙂
Er, um….maybe I should rethink that. They will probably
comebe served wrapped in little thongs.Is this a great electric chair or an electric chair that works great? I assume it worked once and that it resulted in the funeral bills. But I don’t want to spring for a chair that only works alternate basis.
Say, is this an attempt to hide evidence? “I couldn’t have electrocuted Gramma. I don’t even have an electric chair.”
There was a time when I would have loved to have a real electric chair, working or not. Pretty much from the time I was ten to…about now, really.
Wanna go halfsies? Maybe we could put up some firm Obos?
I’m out of Obos but I have some vintage cereal in a minty shell. Wonder if Sparky would take that?
Drmk’s Snyder-electric chair execution reference reminds me that New York state is in enough precarious financial trouble (cf. California) that I suspect this is a fund-raising rummage sale. No Pal-Pal accounts are allowed because they prefer cronyism and patronage instead … this chair is yours for an exchange of favors and a low, low bribe! Own a piece of history (and possibly charred pieces of historical criminals, depending on how well the chair is cleaned). Contact your local state assemblyperson today!
Not to mention said criminals’ bodily excretions upon death. You can clean all you want, but I’d bet there was some staining.
Fancy antique dealers call that “patina” and it costs extra.
Zombie Grandma: Chapter 1
Charlie Russell stared at the typical collection of items in the old woman’s room. The electric hospital bed mattress, discolored from years of use; the Rascal scooter parked in the corner, loaded up with knitting magazines seemingly forgotten to its original purpose; the electric chair still sizzling with current, the smell of ozone suggesting a recent use; and the tombstone. Yes the tombstone was the only slight oddity of the room, but that’s why they called Charlie isn’t it. Weird was his job.
Bending down, Charlie examined the tombstone’s surface. Virtually unmarred, the only indication that an engraving had been planned was the light pencil trace of lettering on the surface. In the dim light, he could barely make out the planned inscription: Arkan Tenna walked at night. Arkan saw his very last sight. Now the question seems to be, what in the world did Tenna see? Charlie grunted in mild frustration; it was a clue certainly, but a clue to what?
Behind him, Detective Sparkcase idly shuffled his feet. The Detective was a fair man at his job, but when it came to this sort of thing he needed a man like Charlie Russell. Ever since the elderly grandmother had turned into a zombie queen and began terrorizing the city, Sparkcase knew he was out of his depth.
“So, what do you think, Charlie? Can you do it?”
“Oh sure, no problem. I’ve made way heavier tombstones than this into tables.”
*I just pea-d my pants*
… and thanks to Taco, Charlie Russell lives on in infamy…
What’s really surreal about this for me is that there was a Western painter of some repute called Charles/Charlie Russell, from Montana. [art corey] Subjects included cowboys/ranchers/Native Americans-Indians/Western landscape. [/art corey] So my brain is experiencing a mash-up of stolen tombstones, cowboys, Indians, and random CL posts that suck. Is it too early to start drinking on Friday?
I bet Frederic Remington makes you think of men’s shavers.
*passing you Lola’s/your flask*
Or guns and deer suspended from playground equipment.
:Trades coffee for margarita:
[stuff my dad reads corey] Lola, you just described the plot of every Tony Hillerman novel. [/corey]
*drives to the drive-thru margarita shack, picks up a few extras for sarajean.
Just had a louie l’amour moment, the heroes have blundered into “medicine” ground, and the blank tombstone in the wagon scant help among all the elevated biers and the attendant spookiness of such places.
Actually this reminded me that I’ve only got 3 1/2 more months to finish my Nano project outline.
Seeing as I don’t even have the slightest idea what the plot is gonna be, I might be in trouble.
I made myself a folder for this year’s.
:Opens NaNoWriMo folder:
…There’s just a post-it inside that says, “Write an outline this year.”
Well, that’s more than I had last year.
My character bubble has one character in it.
Oh? Are you lacking in character TM?
Worse than that, ever since I left college I’ve been without class.
Ever since you left class, your right class doesn’t know what to do with itself.
Now Mudsy, you know he ain’t right.
He’s like Lennie in Of Mice and Men.
Adorably sweet and innocent … but there are some days he doesn’t know his own strength and
Isaac GrampsGeorge has just gotta give him a smackdown.Tell me about the rabbits again, Mudsy!
I just knew you were going to bring up the rabbits….
*laughing hysterically*
You made my day today TM….
Anything for my muse.
😉
Just a reminder, if you missed the Final Scores in the Second Quarter Don’t Suck-Off, check back to yesterday’s comments, toward the end.
Congratulations, sarajean80!
Thank you, Windy! I went home with a migraine so I missed the announcement until I read yesterday’s comments this morning.
I just like to consider myself the overlooked comic genius. I don’t want to be too mainstream…I like to stay a bit underground.
So you’re saying you’re the Lenny Bruce of YSaC.
Actually, I think she’s saying, you better keep a bottle of holy water handy and your neck covered… ?
Because obviously she’s not a mainstream zom..
I don’t care what anyone says, hospital bed, powerwheelchair, tombstone is the best album that Great Working Electric Chair put out… ever!
Isn’t that the Great Working Electric Chair Orchestra?
Love GWECO
Do ya, do ya, want my unblubler ?….
Hey, Mudsy! You’re in the running for the Third Quarter. I may not be back in time to punch you properly, but I’m sure someone will do it improperly for me!
Just as long as they are genital about it.
Hehe..
I can’t believe no one has posted what I was thinking.
“great working electric chair. need to sell to pay funeral bills.”
Translation: “Great working electric chair. Did fine job. No longer needed.”
We were all thinking it though.
Doesn’t this go along with the “girly hook” post?
“On this episode of Clean House: a disorganized serial killer who’s overflowing home incriminated him….and the Clean House police show up to exonerate him.” *Cue Niecy Nash squeal/grunt:::::OOOOOH!!!:::::
I dislike that Niecy woman, but I’ve met that Mark Brunetz guy.
No idea why, but I LOVE her. She’s the first one of those “Sassy ‘big’ girls” I’ve ever liked. CAN’T GET ENOUGH. You know, I like ALL the people they have on with Niecy. Never liked any of the other hosts though.
Something about her voice just annoys me. It’s like an aural cheese grater.
I needed to read through the current comments before saying it to ensure I wasn’t being redundant. Pedantic, I can’t avoid. Redundant, I can. 🙂
But yeah, it’s a poetic juxtaposition.
Due to my
rampant whiningcomments in the 8 Suckiets Craigslist adds section, the llama-nun has put up a voting page for us to vote on the best/worst posts!Go, vote now! (Upper right hand corner of the page)
Suckiets? Is that like a minuet for YSaC?
Isaac would be proud.
… along with Ruth Snyder, apparently.
*bows*
I not only correct, I do so with snark!
Since a lot of the other problems have already been pointed out, I’m going to focus on this:
3 x 3 marble headstone
1. 3 feet by 3 feet? Probably. But it doesn’t say. At 3″x3″, this would be the right size for the graveyard outside your doll house. At 3mx3m, that’s one imposing headstone. I need to know exactly what I’m buying – and all the more so if I’m going to make it into a table!
2. It is just me, or are headstones usually not square?
Shoot, 2. should start “Is it just me…”, I noticed it right as the edit timed out.
But it is just you.
It’s very you, in fact. Brings out your eyes.
Aww, thanks LRC. : )
Hmmm… If it’s only 3 X 3, then wouldn’t it only exist in two dimensional space as a hypothetical grave marker?
Ooh, didn’t even think of that. It’s a Flatland gravemarker!
I sense some CatMath-ery afoot in this bit of the ad.
“Leroy! Gitcher cat away from mah computer, boy!”
“Sorry mama, but heez jess havin sum fun.”
“I don’t care, boy, I’m tryin’ to sell one of them damn tombstones you keep draggin’ home after a night out fishin’ and that craigslist-thingy postin’ has takin’ me the better part of the mornin’ to do and I ain’t finished yet! I gots to milk them cows and slop them hogs…”
:Mama wanders off grumbling about idjit chilrunn as Jeeves, the cat, with one last paw-stroke is finally able to execute his master plan…to trade tombstones for ‘nip on craigslist:
Cubits? [cue requisite line from Bill Cosby as Noah]
Trey cubits by cubits three is 48″ square, and still an odd proportion for either a vertical or flat marker.
But, perhaps it’s like all those 5×7 square not-a-lion hangings.
“great working electric chair”
FINALLY!!
The perfect gift for my ex-wife.
Hey, you can even get a
tombstonemarble placard to send with it. You’ll have to make sure it’s signed, though.For delivery purposes.
Does it come with ankle attach points and directions to a high bridge over a river?
[creepy corey]I work in a shall we say “seedy” part of town…no wait, to say that is an insult to the seedy parts of town…let’s just say that I work in a place that no one in their right mind visits after dark…anywho, when I first started here I was regaled with the story of the time someone was found head-down with cement overshoes pointing skyward in the lake on our property (it’s a power plant)…the funny(?) thing was that the lake is only about 6 ft. deep at it’s deepest point – a fact obviously lost on the murderers, and can’t you just hear that conversation – “I told you, Leroy, this damned lake ain’t deep enough!” “Yeah, yeah, yeah…now, help me turn him over…”[/end creepy corey]
Nice to see that the spark is still there and that you two still exchange gifts.
Word on the street has it that she’s gotten you an electric grave bowel set. Wanna know where she wants the plug to go?
🙂
Cool! I like boweling.
P.S. She has made it very clear where she wants everything to go.
The Electric Chair Orchestra
You’re sinking softly through the pun
in a beige headstone at dawn.
You are so high.
I get a strange panic,
oh, what a strange panic,
oh, it’s a strange panic.
Got a strange panic,
got a strange panic.
You’re pouring bleach in my mind,
making waves across my wine,
oh no, oh no.
I get a strange panic,
oh, what a strange panic,
oh, it’s a strange panic.
Got a strange panic,
got a strange panic.
Oh, I’m never gonna be the same again,
now I’ve seen the way it’s got to end,
boot dream, boot dream.
Strange panic,
oh, what a strange panic,
oh, it’s a strange panic.
Got a strange panic,
got a strange panic.
It’s panic, it’s panic, it’s panic.
It’s panic, it’s panic, it’s panic
It’s in my head
It’s panic, it’s panic, it’s panic
Now Grandma’s dead
I can name that tune in four
noteslines! It’s Lump!One of my favorite songs from high school, along with Detachable Penis.
King Missile! Yes.
I once walked past the Kiev and said, “Hey! That’s the place in that song!”
I actually couldn’t name it; it just appeared in my head. Happens to me all the time. I have extra special earworms.
Just knew we needed an ELO reference.
Now, let the imbibing commence (as schedules, local time zone, and custom/habit permits, naturally).
“Now, let the imbibing commence (as schedules, local time zone, and custom/habit permits, naturally).”
Why? We starting a new tradition or something?
Why not? ELO converted to snark on a Friday sounds reason enough.
Lawdy, but I am in a MOOD today. My poor roommate can’t do anything right, the cat is in trouble for stepping on my bladder when all he wanted was some lap time, and all I want is to go back to bed. Maybe it has something to do with my dream about Jason Mraz being rudely interrupted by some very loud teenage girls outside my window.
Those are the days that I generously use the “it’s not you; it’s me” line. And then I go hide with a good book and some chocolate until the psychosis passes.
(and by “generously” I mean “frequently”) :p
I’m having a bit of a similar day, though for different reasons (the head-state end result is the same).
*passes flask*
Ahh. Thank you.
Speaking from personal experience, those air hospital beds aren’t that great. All that shifting kept me up all the time and my butt kept getting numb.
Did they put in the i.v. in the wrong place?
Unfortuanatly the bed didn’t inflate right and with my feet elevated and the head of the bed up so I could breathe better, my butt always got stuck in the flat part of the bed. I really wanted the regular bed back.
Next time, request an automatic.
I have the same problem when I play Air Hospital Bed. It’s better to get a real one.
SJ – as a kid, did you play Air Doctor Bed?
Wait, I’m confused…..Jason Mraz was interrupted by teenage girls outside your window? Was it a case of re-booting? If so, it’s no wonder you’re pissed off.
Touché.
*wanders off muttering about misplaced modifiers*
Wait, some teenage girls bought those boots from yesterday and rebooted Jason Mraz outside of Bridgete’s window? Bridgete: I expect to see pictures of this on FaceBook ASAP, young lady. 😉
Ha, I wish he’d been outside my window. If that had been the case…teenage girls be damned, he’s mine!
As for Facebook photos, apparently the need for those shows up even in my dreams. Part of the dream involved a frantic search for my camera so someone could take our picture together as proof. 😉
Not sure f/b would allow our dear Bridget to post pics of teenie girls trying to get boot contact on any portion of JM, or the genetic bits in specific.
Here, you missed this: *hands Capn an E*
You’re right about that. I think, however, that FB would probably let me post a pic of me standing next to him as proof that we met (I wish).
ek! hate omitting an “e” I ought know better than to-
-if not quite to the extent that the nice people at Andersen Windows do.
If you mistype that as Anderson, you get a one-page essay on the the superiority of “e” versus “a” . . .
Just who is this Mraz person? Should we find you a cardboard cutout?
Mmmm…Mraz cutout. I’ll put him next to my Johnny Depp poster.
As for who he is, he’s only my favorite singer ever. His singles don’t do him justice, they’re the kinds of things that sell these days. The album tracks are where you really get to experience the amazing vocal quality and beautiful lyrics. *swoon*
You know, I worry a little about this universe created here, where:
Water brings out the unblublers and sprinkled
Come brings out the boots, misjays and massive link
Thong brings out the brain bleach, blindfolds and melted equipment
And everything else brings the zomb..
Then I have a drink and it all makes
NOsense.:hic hic:
Another childhood memory ruined…But it was just too easy.
HEY YOU GUYS!
We’re gonna turn it on
We’re gonna bring you the power
We’re gonna light up the dark of night like the
brightest day in a whole new way
We’re gonna turn it on
We’re gonna bring you the power
It’s coming down the lines, strong as they can be through the courtesy of
The Electric Chair Company
The Electric Chair Company
The Electric Chair Company!
*Take medication again*
Mrs. Grampdaddy just commented, “You know, the problem with this electric chair is that there is only one. And you know that the kids would fight over who got to sit in it.”
That’s why I love her – she may be a lurker, but she gets it – she really gets it.
Manda, don’t look ….. Grampdaddy — tell Mrs. Grampdaddy that being “good mom’s” we’d let them take turns.
ACG, I’d let my kids take turns too. 😀
And yes, Mrs. Grampdaddy is incredibly awesome too – even for a lurker. *waves* Hi, Mom! Love you!
Well, no one punched Mudslicker for me! Better late than never? Mudsy, Punchity punch punch!
G’night, Tombstone!