YSaC, Vol. LXI

2008 September 29
by drmk

watermelon (dt)


Refrigerated watermelon up for grabs! A friend brought it over last week and i didn’t have the heart to tell him i dont like watermelon. I know I know, you may ask… But how can you not love watermelon??? … Well let me tell you … Not EVERYONE loves gosh darn stupid watermelon! Sorry , i have some watermelon issues. It is brand new, never tasted never man handled. It feels heavy.

Make an offer kids.

So it’s Saturday night and there’s nothing on TV so you go to the fridge and then it hits you. There’s a freaking watermelon in there. It’s been there since last week, but it’s only just hit you. (Maybe you were on a happy adventure.)

But wait–you don’t like watermelon. In fact, you have “watermelon issues.”

So you weigh the various options for getting rid of the watermelon, like leaving it on a neighbour’s doorstep with a sign that it’s a present from the watermelon fairy or donating it to a food bank or taking it to the grocery store and saying that green doesn’t match your decor so you’d like your money back. Then you hit upon a brilliant idea — you’ll put a notice on Craigslist.

You’ll lure people to your ad under “Free stuff”, but you’ll still ask them to make you an offer for your watermelon because not only do you have watermelon issues, you have Getting-the-concept-of-free-stuff issues. And you’ll post your location as “DT”, which presumably means downtown and not alcohol withdrawal symptoms, because people who live downtown are only too happy to walk 12 blocks to your apartment to get watermelon that’s going on two weeks old. And the most crucial thing doesn’t occur to you: if not EVERYONE loves gosh darn stupid watermelon, how many people are going to be looking for one on Craigslist?

Submitted by Laurel — thanks!

49 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 September 3
    Sosij permalink

    “Watermelon Issues” would be a great name for a band.

    Adores: 22
    • 2009 September 7
      Marta permalink

      Their hit single: “Gosh Darn Stupid Watermelon”

      Adores: 17
      • 2009 December 15
        Justin permalink

        I am still laughing at this.

        Adores: 1
    • 2011 January 8
      LurkRealClose permalink

      Watermelon issues is the name of IF’s Blind Melon tribute band.

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 January 8
        Windrose permalink

        Okay, it was worth the move for that. 8) *whistles innocently while pointing at the Golden Lotus Box*

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 January 8
          LurkRealClose permalink

          WOOT! More punching for me for not being able to spell! That’s awesome!

          Adores: 2
  2. 2009 October 17
    Mike permalink

    …I find it strangely disconcerting that he feels the need to assure us that the watermelon has not been “man handled.” Exactly what does the seller think watermelons are for?

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 January 8
      LurkRealClose permalink

      And has it been handled by a woman?

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 January 8
        sarajean80 permalink

        Or a Thai lady-boy?

        Adores: 2
  3. 2009 October 17

    Also, although it’s listed in “free stuff,” he’s asking people to “make an offer [of] kids.”

    I don’t care how heavy the melon is, it’s not worth your firstborn.

    Adores: 10
    • 2009 November 14
      emsies permalink

      What if it is heavy because it is full of MAGIC?

      Adores: 6
    • 2011 January 8
      Windrose permalink

      Aw, Vintage Isaac!

      Adores: 4
  4. 2011 January 8
    LurkRealClose permalink

    Hey look! Drmk (BBUH) edited the link so it now goes to the watermelon post.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 January 8

      Yeah. I must have had a bad internet day when I set that one up. I had considered using the other post, but I didn’t like that first, offensive comment. (Don’t know why I didn’t just delete it, but whatever.) But I ended up using the wrong link in the post.

      I’m going offline now so that nothing else horrible happens.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 January 8
        Windrose permalink

        Have a great rest of the day, with emphasis on rest! May all your bee longings be fulfilled.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 8
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          Precisely what are we filling her belongings with now?

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 January 8
          Windrose permalink

          Uhm, honey? Wax? More bees?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 8
          sarajean80 permalink

          Alfalfa?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 8

          I vote salted peanuts.

          Adores: 1
    • 2011 January 8
      Mindfield permalink

      For a few moments there I thought I was seeing things. Then I thought maybe there were two redux posts, but I couldn’t find the other one. So I just imagined that this was a post about someone with poor spelling wanting someone to ple fix his watermelon and settled for that.

      Adores: 3
  5. 2011 January 8

    Crap. I had a good thing going with the AVP thread, too. Oh, well. Watermelons… Watermelons… Yet another euphemism for sweater hams?
    Oh, and don’t forget Winnebagos.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 January 8
      Windrose permalink

      So, just carry on here. No one will notice. And why does my love bird hate the backspace key so much? He bites me whenever I reach for it.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 January 8
        Mindfield permalink

        (s)he’s teaching you to spell it right the first time through negative feedback whenever you try and use it — so you’ll learn not to have to use it.

        Or perhaps there’s a bit of seed stuck between the keys.

        Adores: 5
    • 2011 January 8

      Smedly, being that for a large portion of my adult life I had the misfortune of carrying around sweater cantaloupes, the idea of sweater watermelons scares me. In fact, I think I’m developing scoliosis just thinking about it.

      Adores: 8
    • 2011 January 8

      Ok, now I’m really curious as to where the link used to lead…

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 January 8
        CoffDrop permalink

        EB – promise you will tell no one I gave you this Secret Link…..

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 January 8

          <.<

          >.>

          <.<

          Shhhhh!!!

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 January 8
          Windrose permalink

          Hi EB! Hey, is that a link in your pocket?

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 January 8

          Nope, I’m just happy to see you! 😉

          Adores: 3
  6. 2011 January 8

    This post fills me with meloncholy.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 January 8

      It is heart rinding, now that you mention it.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 January 8
        Mindfield permalink

        It’s kind of sweet though, how he admits to having “watermelon issues”, how he strenuously avoids even mildest expletives as if not wanting to plant the seeds of vulgarity. Maybe this would be a better world if more pepo were like Sparky. Except for the watermelon issues, I mean. I love watermelon.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 8
          Windrose permalink

          It is kind of juicy, bet he lives in the seedy part of Location.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 8
          CapnMac permalink

          I like mine with seasoned salt–the spilce combines with the salt to bring out the sweetness.

          One of the better uses for that white-elephant juicer is to juice up leftover watermelon which makes a terrible kamikaze, it really does.

          Which I had some juiced melon right now . . .

          Shoot, milk of human kindness and company would suit, too.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 January 8

          It is kind of juicy, bet he lives in the seedy part of Location

          I bet he also went to Carnegie Melon University.

          Adores: 4
    • 2011 January 8
      Camille permalink

      Come to me, my watermeloncholy baby,
      Cuddle up and don’t be… green.

      Adores: 4
  7. 2011 January 8
    CoffDrop permalink

    Watermelon Man

    Have a great weekend y’all……….

    Adores: 3
  8. 2011 January 8

    My personal opinion is that the Buddha’s Hand thingy looks more like an homage to Cthulhu….

    Adores: 3
  9. 2011 January 8
    Windrose permalink

    Okay, I edited AC’s offensive comment. I need feedback on it. 8) EB has the link.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 January 8
      CoffDrop permalink

      Perhaps eliminate all reference to child and syndrome and substitute a favorite nasty such as a cup of Flem (Hi TM). Just my opinion, I could be wrong…….

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 January 8
        Windrose permalink

        Thanks for the idea, Coffy. It should be much better now. 8)

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 January 8
          Moira permalink

          Due to the responses to the original comment, I would also note in the comment that it has been edited due to the original commenter being a poopy-head and actually managing to offend us all.

          Adores: 0
  10. 2011 January 8

    As I promised Thursday, here’s our Lord of the Flies project.

    I played Piggy, Ninja Pig, “The Beast” (Pig on a Stick) and Miscellaneous Henchperson #2.

    Part One

    I’ll post part two in a comment on this so I don’t face… THE QUEUE OF MODERATION with the Llama-Nun spending the day at rest.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 January 8

      Part Two

      That’s Part Two. Keep in mind that this was edited by my friend Alex on short notice and that it’s four kids doing an English project on a budget of $0.

      Adores: 3
  11. 2011 January 8
    Windrose permalink

    I just want to say I love you guys so much! And the large margarita I had with lunch has not influenced me in any way. I just love you! I wish the screen would hold still. Ow. I am going to nap zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 January 8
      Moira permalink

      I want more alcohol tonight. I don’t often drink but I have the desire tonight to raise a few in memory of Emperor Norton. He rather rocked.

      I spent most of the day traipsing about San Francisco with a number of other steampunk-attired folks spreading good cheer and wooden nickels.

      Adores: 2
  12. 2011 January 9
    kelli permalink

    Totally Off Topic, but I love you guys and reading the post(s) today really cheered me up after a crappy day (due to both the tragedy and having 7 people call in sick to work today).

    Adores: 0
  13. 2011 January 9
    Windrose permalink

    LRC, your poncho won’t save you! Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, and God Bless, Tucson.

    Adores: 0

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