You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. CLXXXI

Written by

drmk

in

Cyborg in exchange for free rent!

I am a biotechnology grad student in search of housing. A back guest house would be perfect. In exchange, I will build you a cyborg. In case you do not know, a cyborg is a biologically based animatronic being, in other words half human and half robot. Since current science is still catching up on this technology, it may be a few years until your cyborg is built. It might help if you had a pet dog or cat that I could practice with. For any reason if you die before the cyborg is finished, I promise to use your remains in the project, in order to fulfill my debt to you. Since you will be the first person to own/be a cyborg, this should be considered a very generous offer. Must have dishwasher in guest house. Please, serious replies only.

181

Um, don’t look now, but there’s a large spider going after your cigarette. Or maybe it’s trying to mate with your sideburns. It’s hard to tell from this angle.

And if you’re going to make me into a cyborg, at least make me look something like Seven of Nine. Rawr.

181a

Sent in by CB — thanks!

Comments

51 responses to “YSaC, Vol. CLXXXI”

  1. Random Person Avatar
    Random Person

    If he wants serious replies only, maybe he should make serious offers only.

    And also not post a picture with his cigarette. I wouldn’t rent my “back guest house” to a smoker. I mean, if I had a back guest house (or a front one or any other kind).

  2. Rebecca Avatar
    Rebecca

    Rubbing his hands together with glee, and laughing with a slightly maniacal glint in his eye, Sergio turned to his faithful spider companion. “The experiment is nearly complete!” he said. “Soon the University of Tennessee (at Memphis) will learn that it was THEY who were mad to dismiss my plans to make the first fully-functional cybernetic killing machine slash research assistant! Just one more, Arachno,” he said, stroking the tarantula, as it seemed to purr under his fingertips, “and then, when the BorgTronic 3000 attacks Professor Armati just as he’s beginning Biotechnology 1001, THEN he will see how it was foolish to keep me from getting that grant! All we need is a head.” Sergio paused in thought. “And probably genitals, too. It might need them. But where on earth are we going to find your next victim, Arachno? And what about my housing situation?”

    Arachno, as if in reply, skittered across the desk to Sergio’s MacBook keyboard. He danced over a few keys, directing the browser to a popular website.

    Sergio’s eyes lit up again. “Of course, Arachno! Craigslist!”

    1. Addicted Reader Avatar
      Addicted Reader

      Still awesome.

  3. drmk Avatar
    drmk

    *snort*

  4. Courtney Avatar
    Courtney

    *rubs face in speechless exasperation*

  5. drmk Avatar
    drmk

    *rubs face in case there’s a spider there*

    1. P-Rex Avatar
      P-Rex

      Wait, I’ll leave on my own.

  6. Olson Avatar
    Olson

    UT Memphis????

  7. D / DM Avatar
    D / DM

    @Random Person,

    I think you missed the point. The cyborg he will build for you is a spider that manufactures cigarettes.

    Or possibly a spider that bites you and gives you the proper dose of nicotine.

  8. Nifty Nat Avatar
    Nifty Nat

    In my college required humanities class I always tell the bio-engineering students that they can get a guaranteed A if they build me a tentacle arm.

    1. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      Has anyone tried it yet?

  9. ASkillz Avatar
    ASkillz

    mmyeah but this video is sexier lol. *Windrose here, had to delete the link because it was honest to Todd pron! Lots of cuties, but still. Ahem. I didn’t watch it. Honest*

    1. Jen Avatar
      Jen

      Was it sexier than Sparkledouche and his smokin’ hot Tarantella-ing Tarantula?

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        No Comment. 8)

  10. emeff Avatar
    emeff

    Ok, I don’t think this guy sucks at craigslist at all. The picture is awesome. If he can convince someone to let him live in their guest house, rent free, with THIS as his contract, then he’s pretty skilled at cl. I wouldn’t be surprised if he got several serious replies. I just hope he can find a good reason to convince them that their pets are ineligible from his “practice.”

  11. Hannah Avatar
    Hannah

    This is too awesome to be real. And yet… there is a kind of mad genius to it. Mad, spider-owning genius. I’d love to know if he ever found a guest house (with a dishwasher). I’ll bet he did.

  12. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Will you build a SpiderBorg, SparkyBob, SparkyBob?
    Will you build a SpiderBorg, charming Sparky?
    I will build the creature soon,
    But I have to wait till noon.
    She’s a hatchling and cannot leave her mother.

  13. HamCan Avatar
    HamCan

    This is actually a picture of Sparky’s first attempt to create a cyborg…
    His roommate died of lung cancer so he used his parts, and whatever he could find around the dorm, to make him into a terrarium for his spider. He actually did a pretty good job implanting an old 70’s pole lap into said roommates shoulder, keeps the spider at just the right temperature.

    1. Angel Avatar
      Angel

      “Pole” and “lap” in the same sentence, even if was a Freudian slip, equals corner. Hie thee away forthwith! 🙂

  14. SisterLyle Avatar
    SisterLyle

    Why yes, I’d like to you make me a cybo-

    OH DEAR GOD IT’S ON YOUR FACE!

    *smacks Sparky with a crowbar in an attempt to kill the giant spider*

    …Sparky? *pokes prone body with crowbar* Uhm… *gets on the computer*

    Free Fertilizer – $2 OBO

    ————————

    You Remove. NO questions asked.

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      Such a prime example of why we love Lyle, and miss her every day.

  15. kelli Avatar
    kelli

    Am I the only one that suspects the spider is the one posting and the human in the picture is his first attempt at cloning large primates?

    1. LimeLolly Avatar
      LimeLolly

      It’s not really a spider, it’s an advanced form of Ceti Eel… or maybe a Goa’uld.

  16. TacoMagic Avatar
    TacoMagic

    When we have spider problems in the spring, I put out traps baited with menthol Marlboros, cleans them right up.

  17. Smedley Avatar
    Smedley

    Sure, for those milktoast northern daddy longlegs, but down here in the South, you need a more robust tobacco. That’s why I use Backwoods Smokes. Now available in Hand-dipped Horsefly.

  18. Reed Ducks Avatar
    Reed Ducks

    I am going incognito on weekends, I just decided. 8)

    1. Reed Ducks Avatar
      Reed Ducks

      Look, It worked! LOL Now, guess who I am!

      1. Spaceman.Spiff Avatar
        Spaceman.Spiff

        David Drake?

        1. Smedley Avatar
          Smedley

          Duck Dodgers In The 23rd And A Half Century?

      2. SisterLyle Avatar
        SisterLyle

        I don’t know but if you’re going to try to sell us medical insurance, we’re going to have a chat with Mr. Crowbar.

      3. Addicted Reader Avatar
        Addicted Reader

        (You gave it away above.)

        1. Reed Ducks Avatar
          Reed Ducks

          AR, you’re too clever! You get the Golden Duck Feather Awards. After the Punchity Punch Punch tonight or tomorrow morning. For everyone else, here’s a lovely parting gift, free internests! Thanks for playing!

  19. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Me ‘n’ Silva hung out all day, in the box, chilling and killing spiders. Punchity Punch Punch to us!

    Here is the Golden Duck Feather Award for Addicted Reader, cause, y’know, she’s smart!

    G’Morning, 54 of 293!

    1. P-Rex Avatar
      P-Rex

      I guess, since so many are hatin’ on us spiders, I’ll have to avoid the box when others are there.

      1. Windrose Avatar
        Windrose

        P-R, that was years ago! We don’t do that anymore. *conceals rolled-up newspaper behind back*

  20. Dave and Ferret Tribe Avatar
    Dave and Ferret Tribe

    OMG, Sparky, what are you doing? Do not turn my cat into a cyberkitty, especially with dishwasher parts, and most especially do not teach him how to smoke. He already knows about catching arthropods, so you don’t need to teach him that.

    1. P-Rex Avatar
      P-Rex

      That’s all I need, Some kitty ruling your house with an iron paw. Ouch!

  21. kelli Avatar
    kelli

    I still think it’s the spider posting.

    1. P-Rex Avatar
      P-Rex

      A tarantula could totally do that. I had to get a super sensitive keyboard to register my body weight. I am pretty accurate though.

  22. ghostcat Avatar
    ghostcat

    I sadly do not have a back guest house, but I do have a back guest storage closet! As Sparky is already comfortable with large spiders crawling all over his body, he should be very comfortable wedged in beside the hot water heater. I won’t even ask for a full cyborg, just a remote-controlled blender with Wi-Fi.

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      Well, it should make toast, too. No Freeze Rays!

      1. CapnMac Avatar
        CapnMac

        Well, living, as I do, in a three-dimensional (dare I say “material”) world, I find prefer guests that have fronts, and sides, as well as backs.
        I am not of such means as to have the sorts of tesseract structures to only lodge singular planarities of my visitors.

        I will admit to having some rather strict sanctions about arachnids using tobacco products, though. Unless they bring me a Partegas Nr. 1; or perhaps a Cohiba 6-9-6 . . .

      2. DigitalAxis Avatar
        DigitalAxis

        And it should be able to make toast remotely, too. Beam the microwaves to a precise spot inside my car so my pop-tart is baked while I drive.

    2. One Moving Violation Avatar
      One Moving Violation

      ghosty, if your water is already hot, why do you need to heat it up?

  23. M. Avatar
    M.

    FOR SCIENCE.

  24. P-Rex Avatar
    P-Rex

    Spider: This guy tastes like an ashtray. Pptthh!

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      I’m thinking the spider already shagged the guy’s sideburns, and is going for the post-shag ciggie.

      1. P-Rex Avatar
        P-Rex

        EW!

  25. DigitalAxis Avatar
    DigitalAxis

    Actually, that picture was meant to go in the “Deadly spiderbot — runs on watch batteries” posting.

  26. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    C-J, besides being a look-alike for 7 of 9, you were in the box all day! Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Arachnophobes Anonymous!

  27. Uncleroy Avatar
    Uncleroy

    It’s gonna be the future soon
    And I won’t always be this way
    When the things that make me weak and strange get engineered away

    –Jonathan Coulton

    also see The Future Soon

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