You Suck at Craigslist

Bi-Lingual (Everywhere)

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Iam getting so sick and tired of all these job posting on Craigslist, you must be Bi-Lingual.
This is the United States of America, we speak English.
If I was in another country to seek Employment, I would learn there native language.
So for all you Employers that are hireing, Iam on a quest to everyone out there in the seeking employment world to flag all post that require Bi-lingual. Thank you very much.

If you were in another country, and you — by some miracle — were able to learn their native language, wouldn’t that make you … bilingual? Although, since you haven’t even technically learned ENGLISH yet, Sparky, that would be a stretch.

Damn it, there I go bringing logic into it again. I have to stop doing that.

But now I’ve got this song in my head, and that makes it kind of worth it:

Edited to add: I can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner!

Thanks for the submission, SLiver of Jade!

!!!!! CHECKERS !!!!

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Works no longer need

PLEASE EMAIL ME A DAY AND TIME you would like to pick up.

How do you KNOW those checkers really work? Have they been thoroughly tested? What if I get these checkers, and then find myself the Republican nominee for the vice-presidency? If I should subsequently find myself embroiled in a fundraising scandal, are you absolutely sure that giving an emotional, heartfelt speech about these will rescue my political career, leaving me free to become president, attempt to wiretap my opponent during my reelection bid, and then resign in disgrace to prevent impeachment over the subsequent cover-up? Because I think that’s absolutely essential.

Assuming you CAN assure me of this, how’s next Tuesday at 3?

Thanks for the link, Jooley!

Writer Needed For Very Small Job

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I need a writer to writer to write a letter for me about an unethical situation to an ethics board.

This letter needs to be extremely heartfelt and compelling.

Please let me know if you are interested.

Thanks

I assume you’ll want a writing sample, yes? How’s this:

Dear Ethics Board,

I wish to report an ethics violation. Specifically, I wish to complain about someone hoping to pass off another person’s correspondence as their own. They have been soliciting for someone to write a letter to an ethics board for them, which they would then submit under their own name. I find this highly objectionable, and would urge that you take immediate action to discipline this person for their actions.

Love and Kisses,
Dan the Ostrimu

What do you think? Do I get the job?

(Thanks for the submission, Naomi!)

An amazing – $550

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anything rly. Call me

In the “Doctrine of Labyrinths” series of novels by Sarah Monette, “mazing” is an extremely bad thing to have happen to you. It involves a fairly dark form of magic that traps your essence within a spiritual maze which is extremely difficult to escape. I think I have that right. It’s a really fantastic series of books, and highly recommended.

Somehow, I don’t think this has anything to do with that.

It’s possible that out of ALL the instances of five hundred and fifty dollars in the world, this guy has the SINGLE most amazing combination of U.S. Grant and William McKinley you ever saw.

That’s probably not it, either.

Perhaps he’s collecting anything related to the “O Rly” owl.

Somehow, I doubt this is the right explanation.

Oh, wait, I know!

He’s an idiot!

Thanks for the link, DS!

Big worker light – $15

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I have a big spot light thing, it worked when the handyman was here……I think it needs a light bulb……he left it behind. call ###-####

I love the semantic ambiguity in that title.

Is it a light for a worker who is big?
Is it a worker light, that happens to be big?
Is it a big light that works hard?
Is it a big worker who is nonetheless extremely underweight?
Is it…

Wait a minute! You’re selling a light that your handyman left behind?

Asshat.

Thanks for the link, Ciera!

Hey gents! We’ve got another real winner for you! You can tell they’re real, because they say so right in the ad:

REAL AND FUN – w4m

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REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, they’re also fun.