YSaC, Vol. 1797: Gotta get movin’ to a clown that’s right for me.

2014 December 19

safety issue


Is it safe, to allow your kids to eat candy flavored chap stick?

My son, eats about 3 containers a day, of various flavored lip balm sticks. He particularly likes the blueberry flavored chap sticks.

He says they give him super powers. So idk? He did survive being hit by a moped, and he didn’t break a bone. And the clowns moped was totaled. So I’m beginning to wonder.

Chapstick Connoisseur is my Lipps, Inc. cover band.

What super powers would chapstick consumption convey? The ability to …

Okay, wait a minute. Seriously — you just know that the dancers in that video have had nightmares about this gig ever since, especially the poor girl designated the lead funky-seeker. I mean, she is not in any way funky, and she could really use an escort to somewhere that would provide her with the recommended daily allowance of funky to ameliorate her funkyless condition, but I’m not sure this was the best way to entice someone who has an excess of funky and the means to provide transport to allow her to accompany them on their journey.

I seem to have gotten distracted. Look, a clown on a moped! *crash* oops.

Thanks, mc l!

YSaC, Vol. 1796: Deck Us All With Boston Charlie

2014 December 17

scaffaling – $450





3. Sets. With. Planks. ..2. Sets. AR.e. 5. By. 5. Tall … 1. Set. Is. 49. By. 6. Tall….3. 10. Ft. Planks. Aluminum. 4. Wheels. Coupllers. . Has. Cross. Pieces. …Calls. Please. ###–####

It’s the holiday season! And I HATE holiday music! But I still can’t help hearing this one to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” (start at seven for best effect)

“3 Sets with planks,
2 Sets a-are,
FIVE BY FIVE TALL!
O-one set is four
Nine by six
Taaaaal.
And the couplers has cross pieces.”

In the holiday spirit yet?

(Thanks for the post, Peter!)

YSaC, Vol. 1795: This monkey’s gone to heaven.

2014 December 15
by drmk

One of the recurring themes on this site has been people who, when faced with a piece of furniture they’d like to part with, apparently just bash their hands on the computer keyboard in hopes that their frenzied actions will somehow miraculously spell the name of the thing they are trying to sell. I mean, it worked for Shakespeare’s monkeys, right?

amoria!


Very nice in good cond asking best offer

I’ve been writing this site for long enough that when I got this submission (in 2010), I was actually relieved that there wasn’t someone using the toilet in this picture, and kind of mentally glossed over the spectacular attempt to spell armoire.

vintage sofa chimpindale style


this is a good looking soft i want to find a home.

There weren’t any pictures with this one, so I’m taking bets at even odds that this ad was written by a person who is either trying to rehome a monkey or is in fact a monkey. But probably not one of Shakespeare’s monkeys.

And just for good measure, sometimes folks get the spelling right, but get so much else so very, very wrong:

wood stationary rocker


wood rocker — back 39″ h x 25″ w x seat 15″ h front with cushions — great condition ——- $ 15.00

A stationary rocker. You know, for those folks who can’t handle standard rockers because of nausea and vomiting because of that whole “moving” thing. Also known as a chair.

YSaC, Vol. 1794: I gotta crow.

2014 December 12

Sleeping Beauty: Crow Edition – w4mm (My neighbor’s house)


Maleficent has struck again. Princess Aurora (or prince, not yet verified) has yet once again been cursed and has been in a deathlike sleep for the past 4 days. Maleficent has kicked it up a notch this time. Aurora is trapped in the body of a crow, sleeping peacefully on a tree swing in my neighbor’s front yard. So, I am now seeking a Prince Phillip to provide a true love’s kiss. Looking for someone with a good immune system, just in case this is just a random dead crow that happened to die in a really cool way. Yet, I’m pretty sure it’s Aurora. Kinda.

To apply, just show up to my neighbors house and start kissing the dead crow, I mean Aurora, and hopefully you’ll have the magic touch!
(If an older man comes out of the house and starts shooting at you, you didn’t get the job).
Good luck!

Most of the time, we don’t use this type of post on YSaC. This type of Sparky doesn’t really *suck* at Craigslist, they’re just trying a little too hard to be funny. It raises the question of why they pick Craigslist as their medium of choice in the first place, instead of a bathroom wall or the New Yorker, but whatever.

In this case, however, I am intrigued by their choice of category. “w4mm”, as far as I can figure it, is intended to be used by women looking for two men for a threesome, and not, for example, for people seeking romance with a dead crow. I’m pretty sure I don’t WANT to know what category that goes in, and if you bring up rule 34, I will punch you in the neck.

Thanks for the post, Zippy!

YSaC, Vol. 1793: Yo. I can do that.

2014 December 10

Do you like to do work? Preferably something which requires years of training, and expensive equipment that you have to provide yourself? Are you nonetheless morally opposed to monetary compensation for such work? Mike, one of our regular readers, lives in a city where you’ll have PLENTY of opportunities!

REBRANDING! looking for VIDEO/PHOTOGRAPHER


compensation: no pay

GREETINGS!

Male Socialite looking to rebrand myself and webpage in the upcoming new year! I am looking to grow into a self proclaimed “Creatif”! I have plenty of concepts, and I am open to yours also! I am looking to create images from outlandish to fashionable. I am a graphic designer so raw or edited images are fine! Looking to shoot sooner then later, but open to scheduling things further into the year! Dont hesitate to hit me up! Looking forward to hearing from you!

Because helping you realize your dreams of becoming a modern day Oscar Wilde is definitely going to pay off down the road.

Photographer for Exotic Fitness Model


I’m beautiful and fit and I’m looking for a team of photographers that can capture my beautiful fit physique. I’m also building my brand so I’m interested in photographers that have great contacts in the health and fitness industry. I expect a full portfolio, I will provide my own wardrobe and makeup artist. You must have a professional portfolio of work before I will consider working with you.

Serious inquiries only. Forward your info including contact info.

No Pay. I provide you with a stunning model and you provide photos.

How about I just provide you with “no?” However, I know someone who MIGHT want to photograph you, just not in the way you intended:

A very particular kind of photography


I am an extremely experienced photographer looking for help for a new body of work I am putting together. I am looking for people to model for me for pictures that could show your face your eyes, your mouth, or any part of your body being touched. Yes, I would want to touch you–perhaps very intimately–while I am photographing you. No, I would not try to have sex with you. If you are interested, please shoot me a note. I am very serious about this. You get copies of everything, and if there is any kind of picture you need, I will shoot it for you.

If you really insist that there be at least a possibility of compensation, there’s always THIS guy:

Wanted: Online dating Digital Voice


compensation: Compensation based either on a flat weekly fee or incentive program

Getting a lot of matches on Tinder and Hinge, but schedule does not permit to holla at bitches all day long.

Need someone to craft endearing and provocative messages through my online dating networks with the end goal of securing real world dates. In other words, I am looking to hire someone to be my online dating digital voice. No help needed once date is secured as my real-life pimp game is on point.

About me:
- Well-above average looking guy
- Normal Cat
- Sailor, cyclist, traveler, great sense of humor, outdoorsy, lover of life, and dog-lover

Ideal Candidate:
- Lipstick lesbian who understands women, but who enjoys the company of men
- Non-judgmental and believes in efficiency
- Great sense of humor and dog-lover

Will compensate based either on a flat weekly fee or a more lucrative incentive system based on number of dates acquired per week.

But for real certainty that you’ll be making money, I think it’s hard to beat this position:

Precision Artist


DETAILED ARTIST

Needed a professional artist who is skilled in the art of fine detail. I am an ex-printer that specializes in making satirical knock-offs of various currency. This project is STRICTLY FOR FUN however. The artist should be skilled in rendering precision quality portraits of various popular deceased presidents. The artist needs to be thoroughly acquainted with color shifting inks and their application on various types of cloth paper stock and aware of the latest print technology including numerical type-setting. It would be of great benefit if they were familiar with new 3d technology such as making detailed holograms or at least willing to learn. This part is absolutely critical they must be willing to listen, pay attention, extremely eager to do a great job{PERFECTIONIST} and is willing to follow specific directions. Looking for that special person who is extremely motivated by company benefits {SPECIAL PERKS} and KNOWS exactly what he is doing. On a personal note no we don’t run background checks or use e-verify so we won’t know if you’ve ever been to a FEDERAL PENITENTIARY.

Thanks for all the material, Mike!

YSaC, Vol. 1792: Sithi uhm ingonyama.

2014 December 8

Japanese rickshaw


Small cellulite rickshaw good condition

I … ew. I had no idea this was a thing. I wonder if I can get someone to carve something out of my cellulite? You could probably end up with a replica of Michelangelo’s David just from my thighs, and have enough left over for a Lionel Richie bust (which is totally apropos, since it was probably cream cheese dip that created the cellulite in the first place). Ah, the circle of life continues …

Placenta – $40


My wife just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and I have heard a lot about people taking the placenta and eating it. It really doesn’t sound that good to me, but we are strapped for cash and it is being properly refrigerated. Please email me if you’re interested, the doctor said it should last a few days.

Gah. No. Also, no. It’s a thing, I get it … but no. And I’m definitely not eating someone else’s. I’m also terrified that my Google history now has the phrase “eating placenta” in it — in all caps, no less, because I accidentally hit the caps lock button so now Google thinks that I REALLY WANT TO TRY eating placenta. No thank you — THAT circle of life is ending.

Thanks, Lyle and Kristen!